Don't mention The Bike.

Cute = powerful. Readily ditch your faithful Pokemon friends for cuter specimens.

If a cute Pokemon member of your team is leaving, accompany it with a long musical interlude, flashbacks and teary sequences. If anyone else leaves, wave goodbye and don't look back.

Pokemon are your friends and companions, whom you must care about and treat as equals, except when battling in which case you send them out in petty fights until they're mangled to the point of near-death.

Beware the might of Spearow.

When risking your life for your Pokemon, don't forget to smile reassuringly at them so that they'll acknowledge your efforts and instantly become your friend for life.

Don't bother catching new Pokemon; they won't obey you anyway.

Ignore the recommendations of others - you learn from your own mistakes, even if your Pokemon get completely mauled in the process.

No victory must ever go unaccompanied by bragging. Just make sure this bragging is not prolonged, or you will inevitably lose your next battle, even if it is against a junior trainer with a L5 Pidgey.

If you forget what a Pokemon is, Dexter's always handy. Pikachu? What's a Pikachu? Let's just hope its batteries don't wear out any time soon...

Posing is a must.

Obliviousness is the key to victory.


Thundershock anything for an instant KO, excluding Pokemon in battles where Ash has become too confident, but not excluding rock Pokemon.

Ignore Togepi. If it wants to die, let it; it will save you high blood pressure in the long run.

If you don't knock out the opponent in one hit, this usually means you will lose the battle. In that case, faint as quickly as possible so that Ash will send out someone else and prevent you from overexerting yourself.

Occasionally say something so that people will remember you're there.

Merchandise is your friend. Infiltrate as much of it as possible.


Squeak cheerfully when someone mentions your name.

Squeak cheerfully when something bad happens.

Squeak cheerfully when someone gets hurt on your account.

Squeak cheerfully when in life-threatening situations.

Squeak cheerfully because you know that as the cutest member of the cast, supreme power is yours to command - on a whim.


Hurt the one you love. If this doesn't convince him of your feelings, insult him in your loudest possible voice. He's bound to realise if you keep it up.

Don't ever let the other lead female outclass you. This goes for Pokemon battles, screen time and size of head when angry.

Gently raise Togepi in the hopes that some day it will become a mighty warrior. Then, after realising its utter uselessness, toss it into the ocean. With any luck, it will evolve into a Togechick, which is far less cute and will thus leave the show.

Alternatively, bear in mind that cute Pokemon are strong Pokemon. Who needs a Starmie or Gyarados when you have the awesome power of Togepi?

Deprive the bad guys of whatever possession they most aspire to. This will ensure that all the Team Rocket fans will want you to be eaten by Arbok.

Occasionally reaffirm your position by daydreaming about water Pokemon, such as Tentacruel. Although you will never come any closer in your dream of being a water Pokemon master (and Tentacruel are not cute enough to warrant capture), it's nice for the main female lead to do something other than take up space - so long as it doesn't happen too often.

Never voluntarily choose Psyduck. It will come out when it knows the stakes are high, and win at the last moment.

Get the capture mechanism on Psyduck's Pokeball checked.


If a pretty girl should materialise, your IQ must drop by about 50. This will ensure that you never get a girlfriend, and thus pose no distraction to the faint trace of romantic tension between Ash and Misty that has lasted over a hundred episodes and shows no sign of resulting in anything.

After years of trying to score a date with hot girls, lower your standards and just take anyone with double X chromosomes. Although she may appear heavily sedated, and prone to not wearing proper clothes (but that's a good thing, right?), a Pidgey in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Target Nurse Joys and Officer Jennies. They're too well trained to deal you injury for your advances.

Always keep your goal in mind, then do nothing about it.

Value Pokemon gifts from beautiful women by not acknowledging their existance.

Anime eyes demonstrate every emotion the character is feeling. Give yourself a mysterious air by closing yours. Everyone will surely think you enigmatic and sophisticated after you've learned to stop walking into things.

Something bad will always happen to your onigiri. Don't even bother.


Let no words pass from your lips that are not statements of the blindingly obvious. That way, you're less likely to be wrong.

Accompany these words with a blank expression. This paves the way for people who previously thought Brock was an uninteresting character, to pray for his return.

Never catch a Pokemon that does not induce migraines with its voice.

Choose a hero far away from where you currently are. This gives the audience hope for your eventual departure.

Take solace in the fact that you will never have to save the day - that job goes to Ash, or an undervalued Pokemon-of-the-day. Instead, stand around and look shocked.

Team Rocket

Pika-proof -all the time-, not just when a different Pokemon needs the opportunity to prove themselves.

Forget the holes and disguises and giant robots. Just open fire.

You will not get anything you want - those things go to Misty, or a Persian. The only reward you will ever get for your efforts is realisation of friendship and teamwork, which has dissipated completely by the next episode anyway.

Wear lots of chunky, heavy jewellery, and 6-inch platforms. While you're at it, don a heavy suit of armor. They may look odd with the Team Rocket uniform, but let's see them try to fling you off into the air NOW!

Style takes priority over common sense.

If you are being fired at or attacked, just remember - finish the motto first.

If your teammates annoy you, shout at them. If this doesn't work, try a mallet, frying pan or claws. Don't let the twerps outdo you in ANY area, including inflicting damage upon yourselves.

Don't use the Team Rocket balloon unless you've already stolen Pidgeotto/Scyther. If you insist upon using it, at least reinforce it so that a Pokemon cannot fly straight through it using no effort at all.

When in doubt, crossdress.

If you want to prevent being recognised, just change clothing.

Legitimate enterprise will come naturally to you... but raking in profits just isn't as fun as getting thunderbolted or drowned every day!

If someone does you a good turn, turn on them. The best way to do this is to steal the Pokemon of someone who has just saved your life, but teasing, tying up or trying to kill them all work quite well too.

Insurance is for wimps!

Try to sign up with the frequent flyer program. After a couple of episodes, you'll be able to take that tropical vacation you've been wanting.

Evil laughter is good. It may not strike fear into the hearts of your opponents, but it does pave the way for some fabulous taunting opportunities.

Next time, try stealing Ash instead of his Pokemon.

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